It’s the day before the end of week 5 of this contract and a nearly 12 day stretch. This hospital has revealed more disturbing things to me in this last stretch than I’ve seen in years.
I hate conflict. A lot. I’ve learned many things over the span of my 33 years of nursing. I’ve learned to choose my battles wisely. I’ve learned to discern the difference between being upset because people are rude from being upset because people are just plain unsafe. I don’t run willy nilly to managers with every complaint under the sun because every complaint under the sun isn’t necessarily helpful.
So when I went to the managers this week, I went with a heavy heart, holding my breath at how they might receive what I had to say. But I had to! I am an advocate for the patients I meet. If I don’t stand up for them, who will? I confess, I wanted to be like Jonah and run the opposite way! Not because I know the Lord will allow these people to repent, just because I hate conflict, dread conflict that much! I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I know the God that I serve and I was obedient with what he tasked me to do. Maybe this is the reason I am here. The managers didn’t know that what I’ve been witnessing was even happening.
‘If I say to the wicked, ‘You shall surely die,’ and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, in order to save his life, that wicked person shall die for his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand. But if you warn the wicked, and he does not turn from his wickedness, or from his wicked way, he shall die for his iniquity, but you will have delivered your soul. ‘ Ezekiel 3:18-19
I won’t elaborate on the details of the issues I saw that prompted this turmoil. I will say very strongly, please shop around for the hospital you are using, for the surgeon, for the doctor! They are NOT all created equally! You guys! I can’t stress this enough! Research who you are using for your medical care! Don’t assume that someone with MD or RN behind their names is going to give you their best because of those initials.
I spoke the truth. Unconditional advocacy. My soul is peaceful once more.
Today is the first day of taking call at the new job. This is gonna be an unconditional acceptance kind of day. I mean, I think everyday should be an unconditional acceptance day, but call days are especially about unconditional acceptance.
Why? Because call days are when I am called to go above and beyond. My shift starts at 1pm and goes until 9:30pm. Then I’m ‘on call’ until 7AM. That’s a potentially looong day with overnight hours thrown in just for extra added challenge. I’m on call to finish cases that run late. I’m on call to do emergencies that occur overnight. My natural inclination is to huff and puff and cry about the unfairness of life that would have me getting out of bed in the wee hours of the morning for that other person’s emergency fill in the blank surgery. But sickness is never convenient, is it?
So here I am, praying myself into a state of preparation for what may or may not happen. Asking the Lord to carry me all day, however long the day ends up. Laying down my life at has feet. Unconditionally depending on my Savior. Oh Lord, not my will, but your will be done.
‘ but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.’ Isaiah 40:31
Pray for me!
Week 2 of 13 is coming to a close. I confess that on Monday I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the day, let alone 12 more weeks in this place. Why? Conditions. I was definitely NOT living unconditionally. This is why I need to focus on living unconditionally.
I get to work an afternoon shift for this contract. I love working in the afternoon. I don’t have to set an alarm to wake up. I have time to go for a really good walk. I have time to run errands. The traffic isn’t as heavy. So many reasons to like the afternoon shift.
Monday started out okay. I got my insurance sorted. I got my prescriptions sorted. I got my timesheet sorted. I went for a 4 mile walk. Everything was coming up roses.
I got to work with plenty of time to spare so I could get lunch and dinner. Then I jumped into the day and hit a wall. Hard. The first surgeon looked at me with a scowl on her face. It hit me like a ton of garbage. I allowed it to sink me. ⬅️ Did you see it? I ALLOWED IT. Me. There are so many ways to react to someone else. I reacted badly. It affected the rest of the entire shift. I became sadder and more sullen as the day progressed. It wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t light at all. I even texted my #2 to pray for me because “I am hating this so much!”
What was missing? My dependence on the Lord. Unconditional acceptance. Unconditional generosity. I forgot that I am not my own. I forgot that I am here for the glory of God.
I like to blame it on being overtired. I’m sure that played a role, but let’s call it like it really is. I was being a selfish child, demanding my own way. When I didn’t get what i wanted, I had a temper tantrum.
Sin is ugly. The grace of God is beautiful. I am undone. I am also forgiven. Unconditionally. I hope you are too!
‘Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. ‘ Hebrews 12:15