Unconditional Joy

Son#2 is getting married. Next week! I get to welcome a new daughter into my family. But really, I welcomed her as my daughter the day I met her in July. I loved her from the minute I met her. Because my son loves her. Because she loves him. Because I saw first hand how she brings out this joy in him that I hadn’t seen in many years, a child like joy. My heart nearly burst with happiness to see this side of him again.

I recently shared with my son that I knew from the minute he asked her on their first date that she was going to be his wife. I just knew. I knew before he knew. I prayed like crazy for the Lord to make this happen and he heard my prayers and said YES.

I am thrilled for her to be part of my family, to get to know her over the lifetime she will spend with us, to love her unconditionally, to bless her unconditionally, to make sacrifices for her unconditionally. I get to be a new mom, to a grown up daughter. My Dilly. I am so blessed!

And standing beside you, glistening in your pure and golden glory, is the beautiful bride-to-be! Now listen, daughter, pay attention, and forget about your past. Put behind you every attachment to the familiar, even those who once were close to you! For your royal Bridegroom is ravished by your beautiful brightness. Bow in reverence before him, for he is your Lord! Wedding presents pour in from those of great wealth. The royal friends of the Bridegroom shower you with gifts. As the princess bride enters the palace, how glorious she appears within the holy chamber, robed with a wedding dress embroidered with pure gold! Lovely and stunning she leads the procession with all her bridesmaids as they come before you, her Bridegroom King. What a grand, majestic entrance! A joyful, glad procession as they enter the palace gates! Your many sons will one day be kings, just like their Father. They will sit on royal thrones all around the world. I will make sure the fame of your name is honored in every generation as all the people praise you, giving you thanks forever and ever!’ Psalms 45:9-17 

Unconditional, fantastical, marvelous joy!

~m

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Unconditional Choice

Week 7 is coming to an end. I am over halfway through this assignment. As stormy as I felt Last week is how peaceful I am feeling this week. The Holy Spirit brought me to my knees and I am so thankful. In all the drama of working at this hospital, I forgot the reason I wanted to come to Florida, the reason I chose to come to Florida! I chose!

I chose to come to Florida to have some real quality time with son#2 and my soon to be DIL#1! It’s all that matters to me. I chose travel nursing as a means to an end. I will choose it again for this reason. Travel nursing allows me to go places and explore. The work is a means to a greater end.

When I remembered this, I was able to choose to be free from the work angst. I just needed to remember! Going forward, I sincerely hope and pray to remember my choices are my choices, to stop blaming others for the things I chose!

Keep your eyes focused on what is right, and look straight ahead to what is good. Proverbs 4:25

The Lord has told you, human, what is good; he has told you what he wants from you: to do what is right to other people, love being kind to others, and live humbly, obeying your God. Micah 6:8

Choosing the good,                                                                                                                                        ~m

Unconditional Honesty

You guys, I don’t know what’s going on in my foolish heart. I’m having such a hard time being in this place. Everything in me is screaming for me to just be somewhere else. I get up in the morning and I’m fine, but the minute I walk into the hospital I unravel. Literally. The next thing I know, I’m stressing myself out so badly that I’m crying big fat crocodile tears. Then I’m complaining out loud how much I can’t wait to move on, how much I hate working there. When a coworker tries to be kind and ask where I’m headed next, my response is anywhere but here! 

But the Holy Spirit whispers into my heart and says, “You know all your complaining and whining is making them feel like you hate them personally?” 😢 The minute I hear Him, I want to apologize to that coworker. But before that happens, I get called into the office. I get confronted directly. “I got an email from someone who is concerned because a patient overheard you saying how much you hate it here and how horrible you think this place is. Do you remember this? I want to hear your side.” I confessed I didn’t remember exactly, but I believed it could be true because I’m struggling so much. And then they gave me grace and said I could come to them anytime with my concerns because they have the same concerns and they are working to gather enough evidence to take to the administration to make things better. I apologized and told them I would do better. Then I found that coworker and apologized to her for my bad behavior.

Remember my previous post? The one about humility? I am a failure. I’m writing this down for myself to be accountable. I am my own worst enemy. I am a passive aggressive fool! I don’t know how to use my words in a positive way when those words should be spoken to people who work in a system that taught me years ago to not speak up for myself or others. And so now, in a place where managers do seem to care, I don’t know how. I just fall back into old coping skills which are not real coping skills at all. I don’t know how to use my words.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.      Proverbs 11:2

“Scoffer” is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride. Proverbs 21:24

One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Proverbs 29:23

So now I’m sitting here ashamed and sorrowful as I beg God to forgive me, hanging on to the fact that He will because even though I am unfaithful, He is always faithful to me! 😔 I’m so thankful that He forgives me, but I will sit in ashes for now because I want to be a person who repents and changes.

Pray for me please.

~m