Thankful_January 17

I’m spending a year writing about being thankful. It’s my word for 2015. And today is a double dose because yesterday was FMF. So yeah. Thankful.

3 Witnessed Blessings

46. Everyday, I get to do this crazy surgical job. I get to meet people of all ages, races, and cultures. I get to converse with them and hear tiny snippets of their stories. I get to witness their lives when they are hard. What a privilege.

47. To step outside the USA and step into the poorest nations in the world to witness the joy people have. Being rich really has nothing to do with money. It has to do with being loved, respected, cared for.

48. Combine the surgery with the folks in the poorest nations and witness the dignity of the least waiting patiently, sometimes for many years, for God to show up with their healing. And when their healing arrives? Witness the indescribable joy when they look in a mirror. Witness the shock and awe as they realize they can see, really see!

A Gift Bringing Laughter, Prayer, Quiet

49. I’m going home today. To Pennsylvania. To family. To good times. To laughter as we try to spring my mom from rehab that isn’t really rehab because she’s doing so well after her bilateral knee replacements. Hallelujah!

50. I have missions on my mind. All of a sudden. Particularly Haiti. I’ve been there 4 times. I feel her calling out to me again. I keep bumping into her on the world wide web through blogs I follow. I’m exploring options. I’m praying.

51. I’ve been awake since 3:40am, anticipating the alarm that was set for 5am to wake me for my trip home to Pennsylvania today. I love how absolutely still and quiet the world is during the last watch of the night.

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

Thankful to share with The Weekend Brew and Spiritual Sundays

Thankful_January 10

This year my one word is thankful I have lived far too long to keep focusing on the things I don’t have when all I have to do is look around to see the beautiful gifts right in front of my face! So that’s it! 2015 will be a year of thankful!

A Gift Sour, Sweet, Just Right

28. Loving others, really loving others, for me is a sour gift. Why? Because nothing on earth lasts. The goodbye always inevitably comes. How I hate the goodbye. So many goodbyes are for the long haul, until heaven. And yet I am thankful for this sour gift. Without it, life would be bland.

29. There is nothing so sweet as the Imago Dei, the image of God. Look at this –

2 Corinthians 3
17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

Did you see it? Beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord. When you look in the mirror who do you see? We are created in God’s image. So sweet.

30.Just right is yet to come, when I reach my final destination, when I am reunited with all my people, when we never have to say goodbye again, when we behold the Imago Dei, face to face, forever praising, no more tears, no more death! Oh how everything will be just right!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

Thankful to share with Spiritual Sundays and The Weekend Brew

recovering from war

The panic happens all too frequently. I’ve lived with it my whole life, the root of it going all the way back to when I was a very small child.

I’m sure it began that first time she walked out the door, me searching a whole block that felt as big as the whole world, when I realized life wasn’t safe, even though I couldn’t grasp that concrete thought and articulate those words. Life. Is. Not. Safe.

The fear was reinforced when she would disappear again and again, when she couldn’t face her own life, stress, mess, when she was angry at him so she couldn’t look at me because I am too much like him.

Then he died and in my anger I killed God. The fear took on a whole new level. I couldn’t leave home. If I left home surely the rest of them would die and I would be completely, utterly alone. I clung to her despite her flaws because she was the only parent I had left.

Five years later I managed to leave home. I entered the safety of the USAF with all its regulations and order. But there was no safety or order in my house. I married him and he turned out to be unsafe too. I ran out the door everyday, relieved to go to a safe place, only to be terrified to return to that house at the end of my shift, wishing I could just run away.

Even when I made him leave for good, I wasn’t safe. He called, harassed, followed. No place was safe. When he broke into my house that morning, I thought I was going to die, literally.

They transferred me to a base in Spain. Then I crashed. Hard. High octane adrenalin finally ran out. It was the worst depression to hit me since he died 10 years earlier. I drank to feel better. Everyday. For 6 months. The boy safely in her care at home in the states because I couldn’t even take care of me.

When a person is bombarded with this much stress, it’s easy to see why there is panic, anxiety, depression. But when everything is good?

I think too many years of unsafe broke a valve in my brain, the one that regulates the neurotransmitters. The smallest stress sends my brain into hyperdrive and before I can say Bob’s your uncle, I’m having a panic attack over nothing.

My life has been war. I’m still trying to recover.

His… Michelle

Linking up with the bloggers @ Spiritual Sundays.