June_23

Stuff I’m thinking about today :

  • I’m feeling discouraged, defeated, sad, sorrowful, and ashamed.
  • I don’t deserve any of the friends in my life.
  • I let the behavior of my family (particularly my mom) over the weekend get the best of me until I snapped, going on the attack, killing them with my words, taking them down when they didn’t  even realize they were doing anything wrong because they don’t know Jesus the way I know Jesus.
  • I made my brother cry. I am so ashamed. It doesn’t matter I spoke truth. I didn’t speak truth in love. I was a clanging cymbal. I made my 48 year old brother cry.
  • I apologized to everybody before the day ended and they forgave me. I don’t know why they would forgive me?
  • I am the opposite of Jesus.
  • I am so ashamed I don’t know why God would choose to save me?
  • I’m not awesome or special or anyone worthy of knowing even a little bit.
  • I’ve got to stop.
  • Forgiving myself is the single hardest thing to do.
  • I have to treat my family with love, kindness, mercy, and patience.
  • I am the worst sinner I know.
  • Why do I keep forgetting?

Back to work today where I will remain silent in sorrow.

Happy Tuesday?

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forgive me, I didn’t know what I was doing

Is it normal to feel sad about the fact I’ve been alienating people all of my life? I think it is.

Spoke to my sister the other day. She told me that I have been miserable since I came home from Uganda in 2011!

I actually know I’ve been miserable for the last three years. It’s really hard to hear it out loud from other people. Especially because I’ve been trying so hard to be happy.

I’m incredibly sad to hear this truth about myself, my behavior. I’m also determined not to keep making excuses for my behavior.

The time has come, it’s long overdue, that I take full ownership of my behavior, look in the mirror, make a lasting change.

I want to apologize to every single person I know for inflicting my misery on you. I’ve been wrong, critical, judgmental, harsh. There is no excuse for my behavior. But I want you to know that I am finally seeing a doctor, getting long-overdue treatment.

I hope and pray that my behavior hasn’t pushed you away completely. I hope you will forgive me for all the grief and sorrow I’ve caused you. I completely understand if you don’t forgive me.

I do believe God is for me, he will help me overcome this problem. It is by his strength that I am able to examine my heart so closely, by modern medicine sorting out the chemical imbalance, that He can shine light into my darkness.

To those of you who have stuck around, thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are the best example of friendship. I hope to be a friend like that!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

learning how to love again

I spoke to Galen last night. He got back from Haiti Saturday evening. He had an amazing, life changing experience. Now he’s struggling with reverse culture shock, annoyed with people’s lack of concern toward what’s happening in Haiti and other poor nations.

I encouraged him to remember to love the people around him wherever he is. After all, we are all poor in one way or another, some materially, some spiritually. He agreed.

Later in the evening, I went out for ice cream and coffee with some people down on the beach. As we sat at the table, a woman approached asking us something in Spanish. I squirmed in my seat as I turned my head away from her. I was fairly sure she was begging. I pretended she wasn’t there until she moved on to the next table. I was annoyed from that moment until we got up and left.

This morning, I got up and read Luke 6. There, in glaring neon letters, Jesus shouted:

27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. 29 To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. 30 Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. 31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

And

46 “Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? 47 Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: 48 he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built. 49 But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great.”

The Word is sharper than a double edged sword. I was cut to a deeper place than I’ve been in a very long time. It was like Jesus was shouting, “How can you give out spiritual wisdom to your son and not apply it in your own life Michelle!?”

Something happened to me when I returned to the USA that first time from Haiti. I decided the homeless didn’t deserve my love because they had no idea what poverty really is. I decided to judge them guilty.

When I read those words today, I heard Jesus say give to everyone who begs from you NOT give to those you think deserve it. What happened to me? How could I be so wrong? How can I go to Africa and love on people so easily, yet turn my back on a whole other set of people who need to be loved on just as badly? How many times over these last few years have I turned my back on Jesus?

My heart broke as I read these words of my Savior. It’s a good thing. I needed to feel that pain in order to repent.

Today, I spent the day out in town with another friend. I told her what happened this morning. Confession keeps me honest. On our way back to the ship, we went to a supermarket. Outside, a homeless man approached us speaking Spanish. I assume he was asking for change. I didn’t turn away. I didn’t wonder whether he deserved help or not. I just reached into my bag and pulled out 1€. As I dropped the coins into his hand, he said, “Gracias. Dios te bendiga.” (Thank you. God bless you.)

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

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