What a week! After returning to Miami from Gainesville, the usual amount of sadness hit me. I woke up Tuesday morning just blue, blue, blue. I hate saying goodbye to that kid. It just hits me like a ton of bricks. I managed to drag myself to work. Work is mostly therapeutic when I feel sad, but Tuesday was particularly bad. My head started swimming with bad thoughts. I started hearing the condemnation from you know who. You’re never going to raise the money you need because you aren’t cool enough, cute enough, holy enough. People don’t want to get behind what you’re doing. Of course, my logical brain knows this crap is nothing but a lie, but my overly emotional brain doesn’t seem to care to listen to the logical brain. I just cried and cried all day and had half my coworkers in a tizzy thinking something bad happened there. I kept assuring them my tears had nothing to do with them. They were so sweet. Some of the guys wanted to defend me against my enemy! The girls were just so supportive. I really love my work family! I finally calmed down a bit when I got home.
Yesterday when I woke up I seemed to feel better… For about five minutes! Then I had the longest, worst panic attack I’ve ever had. Ever! I could not breathe! It was awful! I could not think. I could not pray. My mind was flooded with a million things that could go horribly wrong while I’m away. I just cried and cried and cried. Are you there God?! Cuz I’m dying here! Please do something because I can’t do any of this anymore! Help me!!! Thankfully, I dragged myself to work again. I managed to pull myself together long enough to get in there and dive into work. I just kept looking at the Lord and breathing. I was so freaked out, I didn’t even want to eat! This doesn’t even happen when I’m horribly sad! When I had my lunch break, I went and sat alone in the back of the locker room. I pulled up Facebook to distract myself more. There was a blog post from my Pastor about persevering through trials. And the Lord spoke to me in three little sentences. Keep going. Persevere. Hang in there. Thanks God!
The next thing you know, I have a voicemail from my older son. I got a new job! Call me back! A short time later, I get a call from my little boy. The vet finally called me back! I’m going in for a trial run tomorrow! And the anxiety finally dissipated.
This morning, it was hanging around, threatening to return in full force. I just kept looking at Jesus. It almost got me this afternoon when I hadn’t heard from the little boy about the job trial. At 2:10, when I couldn’t stand it for one more minute, I sent the kid a text. Well, what happened?! five minutes later, the reply – I got it!!!
And just like that, in the last minute of the eleventh hour God shows up!!! And He shows up BIG!!! I can’t help but think of those Old Testament stories of Israel going into battle and the Lord telling them He will fight for them and then the people will know there is a GOD! He is ALMIGHTY GOD, ALPHA and OMEGA!!! There is NO OTHER god beside HIM!!!
Oh praise God from whom all blessings flow! Please keep praying for me! ThIs enemy is really trying his best to destroy me. But I’ve got news for him. Who is this who is trying to defy the armies of the living GOD!?! We win! He loses! I am more than a conqueror in Christ! AMEN!