You guys, I don’t know what’s going on in my foolish heart. I’m having such a hard time being in this place. Everything in me is screaming for me to just be somewhere else. I get up in the morning and I’m fine, but the minute I walk into the hospital I unravel. Literally. The next thing I know, I’m stressing myself out so badly that I’m crying big fat crocodile tears. Then I’m complaining out loud how much I can’t wait to move on, how much I hate working there. When a coworker tries to be kind and ask where I’m headed next, my response is anywhere but here!
But the Holy Spirit whispers into my heart and says, “You know all your complaining and whining is making them feel like you hate them personally?” 😢 The minute I hear Him, I want to apologize to that coworker. But before that happens, I get called into the office. I get confronted directly. “I got an email from someone who is concerned because a patient overheard you saying how much you hate it here and how horrible you think this place is. Do you remember this? I want to hear your side.” I confessed I didn’t remember exactly, but I believed it could be true because I’m struggling so much. And then they gave me grace and said I could come to them anytime with my concerns because they have the same concerns and they are working to gather enough evidence to take to the administration to make things better. I apologized and told them I would do better. Then I found that coworker and apologized to her for my bad behavior.
Remember my previous post? The one about humility? I am a failure. I’m writing this down for myself to be accountable. I am my own worst enemy. I am a passive aggressive fool! I don’t know how to use my words in a positive way when those words should be spoken to people who work in a system that taught me years ago to not speak up for myself or others. And so now, in a place where managers do seem to care, I don’t know how. I just fall back into old coping skills which are not real coping skills at all. I don’t know how to use my words.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2
“Scoffer” is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride. Proverbs 21:24
One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Proverbs 29:23
So now I’m sitting here ashamed and sorrowful as I beg God to forgive me, hanging on to the fact that He will because even though I am unfaithful, He is always faithful to me! 😔 I’m so thankful that He forgives me, but I will sit in ashes for now because I want to be a person who repents and changes.
Pray for me please.