Unconditional Honesty

You guys, I don’t know what’s going on in my foolish heart. I’m having such a hard time being in this place. Everything in me is screaming for me to just be somewhere else. I get up in the morning and I’m fine, but the minute I walk into the hospital I unravel. Literally. The next thing I know, I’m stressing myself out so badly that I’m crying big fat crocodile tears. Then I’m complaining out loud how much I can’t wait to move on, how much I hate working there. When a coworker tries to be kind and ask where I’m headed next, my response is anywhere but here! 

But the Holy Spirit whispers into my heart and says, “You know all your complaining and whining is making them feel like you hate them personally?” 😢 The minute I hear Him, I want to apologize to that coworker. But before that happens, I get called into the office. I get confronted directly. “I got an email from someone who is concerned because a patient overheard you saying how much you hate it here and how horrible you think this place is. Do you remember this? I want to hear your side.” I confessed I didn’t remember exactly, but I believed it could be true because I’m struggling so much. And then they gave me grace and said I could come to them anytime with my concerns because they have the same concerns and they are working to gather enough evidence to take to the administration to make things better. I apologized and told them I would do better. Then I found that coworker and apologized to her for my bad behavior.

Remember my previous post? The one about humility? I am a failure. I’m writing this down for myself to be accountable. I am my own worst enemy. I am a passive aggressive fool! I don’t know how to use my words in a positive way when those words should be spoken to people who work in a system that taught me years ago to not speak up for myself or others. And so now, in a place where managers do seem to care, I don’t know how. I just fall back into old coping skills which are not real coping skills at all. I don’t know how to use my words.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom.      Proverbs 11:2

“Scoffer” is the name of the arrogant, haughty man who acts with arrogant pride. Proverbs 21:24

One’s pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Proverbs 29:23

So now I’m sitting here ashamed and sorrowful as I beg God to forgive me, hanging on to the fact that He will because even though I am unfaithful, He is always faithful to me! 😔 I’m so thankful that He forgives me, but I will sit in ashes for now because I want to be a person who repents and changes.

Pray for me please.

~m

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Thankful_June19_June25

48 weeks in Arizona. 1 family vacation-an unexpected 1 member of the family. Road trips. Heatwaves. Broken AC. I am thankful

6•19
1519. “No, your beauty should come from within you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed and is very precious to God.” 1 Peter‬ ‭3:4‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1520. More fun at Zion.
1521. Utah mountains.

6•20
1522. “God, my strength, I will sing praises to you. God, my defender, you are the God who loves me.” Psalms‬ ‭59:17‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1523. The amazing beauty of the Lord’s creation.
1524. Even though the air in the car died for a few hours in the blazing heat.

6•21

1525. “Your love is wonderful. By your power you save those who trust you from their enemies.” Psalms‬ ‭17:7‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1526. Even though it cost a bit, I’m glad to have the AC in the car working again.
1527. Access to a swimming pool.

6•22

1528. “But I am like an olive tree growing in God’s Temple. I trust God’s love forever and ever. God, I will thank you forever for what you have done. With those who worship you, I will trust you because you are good.” Psalms‬ ‭52:8-9‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1529. Cindy
1530. The Superstition Wilderness.

6•23
1531. “I give you my life. Save me, LORD, God of truth.” Psalms‬ ‭31:5‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1532. “Love the LORD, all you who belong to him. The LORD protects those who truly believe, but he punishes the proud as much as they have sinned. All you who put your hope in the LORD be strong and brave.” Psalms‬ ‭31:23-24‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1533. Family dinners.

6•24
1534. “I cry out to God Most High, to the God who does everything for me. My heart is steady, God; my heart is steady. I will sing and praise you.” Psalms‬ ‭57:2, 7‬ ‭NCV‬‬
1535. Crickets chirping
1536. Camping

6•25
1537. 23The Lord rewards us for the things we do right and for our loyalty to him. 1 Samuel 26:23
1538. Afternoon thunderstorms!
1539. Even though I really don’t think #1 likes me much.

12.15.15

“For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.””‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:14‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Dear God,

Why does life have to be so full of contradictions? Paradoxes? Why does everything down here have to be a two way street? Mutually beneficial? Quid pro quo? I want to be loved, but in order to be loved, I have to love others first, but then I love them and the love is rejected, which makes me feel rejected so I withdraw my love which leads me back to being unloved. And I know I should love others anyway because I can’t be the only one on the planet who deals with this. Right? And if there’s one thing you’ve taught me these last ten years, it’s that I cannot live like a hermit. Even though my flesh screams to live as a hermit. It’s so frustrating to me that I need people. And it’s even more frustrating that I focus on the rejection instead of the acceptance because for every rejection there are ten acceptances. And what do I do with people who say they want to be my friend, but their actions say something different to me? Those are the most troubling of all! I’m so glad you know how to make sense of the things that trouble me Father. I love you!

Love Michelle