the process of closure

I’ve woken up today feeling extremely sad, angry, and disappointed again at how things ended on the ship. Why?

Yesterday, I read so many updates about the ship, looked at all the volunteer opportunities, read up on so many different ways to support the work, I ended up dreaming I was there, on the ship, hiding because they told me I had to stay away for at least a year and only 3 months have gone by. I woke up feeling relieved because it was only a dream.

Now I’m faced again with feeling angry and disappointed by the way I was brushed aside as too troubled for them to figure out how to help, misunderstood in a sea of cultures that we were all supposed to try to understand and support. Where was my support? Why was I expected to understand the other cultures, but not receive the same in return? It’s not right and it’s not fair.

I’ve had a very long, challenging work week. Maybe I should chalk it up to being tired?

I want this to be done. I don’t want to be angry or sad or disappointed or disillusioned anymore. I don’t want to feel like this. I just want it to stop now.

Today, I began reading a book about making the transition from missions to life at home. It’s for both long term and short term missionaries. The author is Peter Jordan, a missionary kid and missionary. Right off the bat, he talks about having closure in order to move on.

Every returning missionary should come to the place where regardless of the circumstance, he recognizes his return as God’s will for him, and God’s way of leading him into a new passage in his life.

I know I need to let this anger go. I know it was God’s plan for me to come home. I know I need to forgive because I’ve been forgiven. Which begs the question, who am I really angry at? Who am I really sinning against by hanging onto this?

Amazingly, despite all he endured as he diligently sought to serve the Lord Jesus, Paul summed things up this way: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, italics mine). If you have to leave the mission field because of circumstances beyond your control, embrace the truth of this verse. God is at work, regardless of your circumstance, and he will be faithful to you. You must recognize that fact in your life lest you be overcome with disappointment and bitterness about leaving. If left unchecked, that disappointment and bitterness will mock your every attempt to adjust to life back home.

I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to begin this book? I downloaded it months ago. I don’t even remember how I found it? What I do know is my disappointment and bitterness are mocking me right now. It needs to stop. I need to dig in and deal with this head on and stop hiding from it.

It’s time for closure. I don’t want this to carry on one minute longer.

His… Michelle
Philippians1:20

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control…

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I’m up late tonight. I’m usually in bed by 9pm because I work really early in the day. So why am I up late? The job called to say stay home tomorrow. There aren’t that many cases. (I use “The Office” theme as the ringtone for the job. It seems appropriate.) I don’t know, but I think most people when given a free day off, get excited because, hey, they just got a free day off! Me? Not even close. My first reaction is to fight off a panic attack. Suddenly the ground doesn’t feel so solid. What if I never work another day again? These are the moments that remind me I have no control over God’s plans. Oh He’s really kind in letting me think I have things under control. I do believe He allows me to control a lot, sort of. But every once in awhile He reminds me who is really in charge. It doesn’t help that my brain is in nervous mode too. I’m getting on a plane to Guinea in 33 days! Yikes! I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. In the infamous words of Bob Marley, every little thing’s gonna be alright. (BTW, I’m perfecting this song on my awesome ukulele :)) Pray for me!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

:) & :(

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I generally don’t have enough to do on weekends. While I know rest is important, I just feel restless and sad today. One of the ladies I’ve been working with since August went home today. She won’t be coming back. I hate saying goodbye. That’s why the photo above was taken from a distance. Saying goodbye makes me cry. Saying goodbye is the worst thing about relationship. It’s one of the reasons I keep to myself. I’m also sad because I’m leaving this amazing place in just 3 more weeks. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’ve committed to coming back. It feel like an ending. I hope the Lord still wants me to return. I think He does, but when I’m blue I become full of doubt and fear about the future. At the same time, I’m excited about going home, seeing all my people again. A mixed bag. That’s me. Happy December!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20