Recently, Kim, a blogging friend of mine asked why we live with painful stuff for far too long?
I know why I’ve lived with mine.
Most days, I cannot think about painful things for more than a few minutes, sometimes not even a few seconds, without my brain spiraling down a black hole of despair that threatens to swallow me alive like when the Israelites are swallowed alive for defying the Lord’s chosen, Moses and Aaron.
I know it sounds dramatic, but I’m not even exaggerating.
When I fall into the hole, if it’s a good day, I make my way back up to the surface in a few hours. On not so good days? I can find myself trapped for days, weeks, or even months mostly in the dark, occasionally surfacing for a few hours.
The triggers? They don’t even have to be my stuff. They could be from the news, a blog, a song, a commercial even!
I try so hard to keep the rose colored glasses on for protection, avoid sadness at all cost, my head safely buried in sand, but the world always breaks in. Always. There’s no avoiding the world. I’ve tried.
I show up for work feeling so painfully sad I can’t speak, if I did I know I would come undone, start crying and never be able to stop.
When my mood is good, I cope well with painful things. Unfortunately my mood goes up and down so often it rivals the most intricate and amazing roller coasters engineered.
I’ve been talking myself into being okay for most of my life, you don’t have to talk me into it too.
So when I meet a Christian who has never been depressed, ever and hear him/her say I just need more faith. That just makes me feel worse. I know I lack something, now you just added more to my lacking pile. AND. I just spent the last 8 years of my life thinking I would get better with a miraculous healing when the miracle of modern medicine has been staring me in the face.
I’m sorry. I know it sounds like I’m angry with you, I’m not. I’m not blaming you. A lot of people just don’t understand.
I just thought I should let you know what the inside of my brain looks like, to help you understand a little bit more, to provide a bit of insight, to remind you of what Paul says in Romans:
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
This is the heavy stuff I think about. [emphasis on heavy]
Linking with Lyli.