I have so much stuff running through my heart and head. I’m overwhelmed by the goodness and provision of God. I’m starting to have all these ideas about this trip. Does He want me to stay longer in Africa? I want what He wants. I know I’m still hanging on to stuff I don’t really need. I don’t need the hotspot at all. So why am I going to keep paying for it? I don’t need my phone either once we’re in Africa. So why should I pay for these items while I’m gone? Even if He didn’t want me to stay, I could start something new when I come home right? Am I crazy to think God wants me to stay? he knows me better than I know myself. I just have this deep unexplainable need all of a sudden to get rid of those two things. Pray for me to figure it out. I’m terrified He won’t want me to stay as much as I’m terrified that He will. What a quandary. I’m really praying for God to speak to me because I’m listening. I’m so glad I have this time to really sit at the Lord’s feet and listen for His voice.
Look how big Africa is!
Here’s the thing I know about this missionary adventure. I know I am meant to be a missionary. It’s what I think about at least for some period of time on a daily basis.
Here’s what I thought I knew about the adventure. For the last 2 years, I thought I would move to Uganda and work with Tom and Jean on their team to ultimately plant a church in the region of Karamoja, Uganda. I thought I would do this through the support of my church and PIONEERS mission organization. I thought all of this would take place in a timely fashion, mainly in my timing, at my convenience.
Here’s what happened when I went to Uganda to spy out the land. I discovered there wasn’t one thing that drew me to this people group that would have me move there and thrive and be successful in long term ministry. The Karimojong in rural Uganda deserve somebody who will love them and stick with them for a life time. I’m not that person. Short term trips and visits? Yup. I could do that. So then I discovered I can’t be on Tom and Jean’s team. This confirmed, finally after a year of prayer, that I should resign from PIONEERS.
Here’s what happened when I returned from Uganda. The first thing I did was take a job I shouldn’t have because I was resolved to move back to Miami. Then, I fell into one of the worst depressions I’ve had in a very long time. I just wanted what I wanted for so long that I wrestled with God for weeks to make my dream come true. I worked at it from every angle imaginable, well if I just do this, if I just ignore that, if I just extend grace here, if I just try to compromise what I know to be absolutely true. No wonder I was depressed! Two weeks ago, I finally came to my senses. I finally stopped pretending I could go and succeed despite all the red flags. I gave up the dream. It was a good dream, but it wasn’t from God.
Here’s what I figured out. My mistakes are not mistakes to God. Romans 8:28 says He works all things for good to those called according to His purpose. God still has a plan for my life. I still know I am called to be a missionary. I even think I am still going to go to Uganda. While I saw only red flags in Karamoja, I saw great possibilities in Jinja.
Here’s what I’m going to do now. I am going to pray for the opportunity in Jinja. I am going to move back to Miami in June. I am going to continue encouraging my little boy to independence or missionary service with me. I am going to become involved in ministry to my neighbors. I am going to wait for God’s dream to become my reality. I am going to wait for God.