communication breakdown

I seriously wish I could figure out how to navigate the world of parenting adult children.

I used to have such open communication with my younger boy. He used to tell me everything. I mean even stuff I didn’t want to know, delicate things a boy should only tell his dad. Sadly, his dad disappeared from his life many years ago. So I was his only go to parent.

I don’t think ours was a healthy relationship. He relied on me for certain things. I relied on him for certain things.

When he moved away to go to school and start his life, we had a major communication breakdown.

Phone calls are no longer fun. All of a sudden the openness is gone, replaced by uncomfortable, awkward silences where I ask are you there?

He tells me he doesn’t like to tell me hard things anymore because I cry. He hates when I cry. I tell him I cry because that’s just the way my brain works.

I tell him I hate telling him hard things because he goes silent. Silence for me = rejection. It’s what my mom used to do. This leads to me harping, nagging, begging for a sign of life, anything to let me know he still loves me despite my massive flaws.

And so it goes. In my mind, it all blows up into a catastrophic mess. Fear of rejection leads me to jump through any hoop put in front of me.

I need to change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. Said by someone.

Had my first counseling session yesterday. Trusting God to make all things new.

His… Michelle

Linking with Lyli @3dlessons4life.


on love

I want you to know I am not alright. Lately, I am having a boat load of anxiety, melancholy, anger, and agitation.

The thing about this internet world is it’s so easy to project only the good stuff, to make people think you have this really cool, happy, fun life. Write on the days you feel good, skip the days you feel bad and pretend they didn’t even happen.

When I don’t write it’s because I can’t gather my thoughts and make coherent sentences because everything in my brain just feels like noise, static, a thousand people talking all at once in a restaurant, loud, noise.

And then I get all introspective. Introspective is a bad word for me. Focusing on me leads to trying to figure out what’s wrong with me which leads to the slow spiral down into the dark hole of depression, losing sight of everything bright and beautiful and good.

Sometimes it gets so bad other people notice. They ask if I’m okay. Instead of just being honest I try to act my way through it. I say yes because deep down I don’t believe they really care. Why should they care? I’m nobody special. Who wants to be friends with the girl who’s emotional being is so up and down?

If not for Jesus, I would be lost in a vast sea, drowning. He is my life ring, my anchor, strong tower, safety. He keeps telling me to love others no matter what.

But learning to love others is so countercultural for me. It is my biggest struggle. I have such a self protective wall of granite built up around my heart from years of feeling neglected, abused, invisible. I don’t know exactly the moment it happened, but I shut something off in my heart that would allow me to be brave enough to love others the way Jesus loves me. I want to love others but am so terrified of rejection I hold back. It’s a self defense mechanism that was cultivated by years of rejection.

But God is speaking to me through his word, through his people, showing me, teaching me to love others, to treat others the way I’d like to be treated even if I am rejected. This is so hard for me because I am so self centered.

I just thought you should know. I am a way better person in theory than in reality.

His… Michelle

Linking with Lyli for Thought Provoking Thursday.

That time the kraken got out

Confession time. My inner kraken escaped yesterday. You know the mythological sea monster? That one.

I got to the end of my day. Did my time. And an emergency occurred. My job needed me to stay and work over my regular schedule. The nerve!

My inner monster is anything but pretty. It’s pretty scary actually. It rises quickly and out of the clear blue sky. I don’t know when or where or why? I don’t know the exact recipe for the monster to show up?

I think the inner monster rears her hideous head when life is all about me. My day. My time. My schedule. My. My. My. There is growling, roaring, crying, swearing, and self righteous indignation involved. This is when I drop the f bomb like dropping bits of popcorn.

It’s shameful. Thankfully, I managed to keep my rant mostly to myself. But oh man. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I used my anger as an excuse to call out sick today which, in a roundabout way, did make me sick for most of the morning.

I’m making this confession because I need to be accountable. Life is hard. I don’t want to hide from my sin. I don’t want to be a poser. I need people to pray for me as much as I need to pray for people. I need to die to myself. I need to put others before me.

I’m so thankful for a new day. Thankful to be alive. Thankful for a holy do over. I’m praying for mercy from God. It is against Him I have sinned. I’m praying the co-workers who saw the monster will forgive me. I will ask them to forgive me. It is the right thing to do.

Finally, I’m praying for that inner monster to die already! Die and stay dead forever! Please pray with me in Jesus’ name.

His… Michelle

Linking with Lyli @3dlessons4life.