“Just let it go.” That’s what people say about stuff from the past usually related to poor choices and mistakes. It’s what I say. You can’t change the past. It is what it is. But “just let it go” is way easier said than done.
Yet, to live in the Kingdom of heaven means unconditional surrender, it means I have to live a “let it go” way now. I want to live a “let it go” way, but how? Who I am now is a new creation living in the old wine skin of who I used to be. Who I used to be was influenced by multiple people and events that have taken place over a lifetime. Why do I hold fast so hard to who I used to be?
A couple of months ago, I decided to seek counseling to find out. I’ve tried this multiple times over the years without much fruit to show for it, mainly because it is really hard. I so don’t want to relive the past. There is a lot of heartache going back there. But I’m really tired of the past influencing the now. I’m tired of reacting to life in the same way that I did then. I’m tired of the old me getting in the way of the new me. I’m tired of running away when things get hard and/or scary.
I want to be all in. I want to love and be loved fully, not holding people at arms length because of this crazy fear of heartbreak, because of what might happen. My strong need for self preservation is getting in the way of unconditional love and unconditional surrender. It’s like a sinking ship. I’m hanging onto the railing of the bow all the while the Lord is trying to pry open my frozen grip to save me before I drown.
Oh I want to be saved! I choose unconditional surrender. Whatever it takes. Even a hard, scary trip down memory lane. I want to be whole.
‘ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’ Psalms 23:4