Back in the spring, I began to grow restless and sad. I wasn’t happy being confined to one place. I wasn’t happy with my work. The thought of spending one more summer in the blazing furnace that is Phoenix was wearing me down. I decided to get back into travel nursing.
I found a contract in Georgia, packed up my cats and my life, threw it all in the car, and drove east. I left behind my apartment, friends, and favorite roommate/son#1. I headed for rainy weather, a new OR, and more time with my favorite son#2, expecting to spend lots of quality time with him because we’d be closer in proximity. The dreamer in me expected a seamless, happy, exciting transition for all of us.
The reality was deafening silence in the new apartment apart from my favorite roommate/son#1. Starting over at work. Being unknown. Having more time with son#2, but not as much time as I wanted because he was still 6 hours away AND newly engaged. Being more separate from my people than I had been in years. Feeling torn between pursuing my dream of backpacking the Appalachian Trail and spending time with all the people who were now even farther away from me.
I did this. I did this to myself. On purpose. Because I thought it would be good. Somewhere deep inside I still think it could be good. But it’s been hard. I’ve been sadder than I have been in years. I’ve been angrier too. Because things aren’t going the way I expected them to go.
And so unconditional. Unconditional acceptance of the choices I’ve made and the ones to make in the future. Unconditional surrender of my expectations to allow God to mold me into the person he created me to be. Unconditional forgiveness for myself and others because we’re all just trying to do the best we can down here.
I don’t know all the things coming my way this year, but I do know the One who knows and I hope I really will learn to be unconditional with my whole life.
May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5