Defining Unconditional

Back in the spring, I began to grow restless and sad. I wasn’t happy being confined to one place. I wasn’t happy with my work. The thought of spending one more summer in the blazing furnace that is Phoenix was wearing me down. I decided to get back into travel nursing.

I found a contract in Georgia, packed up my cats and my life, threw it all in the car, and drove east. I left behind my apartment, friends, and favorite roommate/son#1. I headed for rainy weather, a new OR, and more time with my favorite son#2, expecting to spend lots of quality time with him because we’d be closer in proximity. The dreamer in me expected a seamless, happy, exciting transition for all of us.

The reality was deafening silence in the new apartment apart from my favorite roommate/son#1. Starting over at work. Being unknown. Having more time with son#2, but not as much time as I wanted because he was still 6 hours away AND newly engaged. Being more separate from my people than I had been in years. Feeling torn between pursuing my dream of backpacking the Appalachian Trail and spending time with all the people who were now even farther away from me.

I did this. I did this to myself. On purpose. Because I thought it would be good. Somewhere deep inside I still think it could be good. But it’s been hard. I’ve been sadder than I have been in years. I’ve been angrier too. Because things aren’t going the way I expected them to go.

And so unconditional. Unconditional acceptance of the choices I’ve made and the ones to make in the future. Unconditional surrender of my expectations to allow God to mold me into the person he created me to be. Unconditional forgiveness for myself and others because we’re all just trying to do the best we can down here.

I don’t know all the things coming my way this year, but I do know the One who knows and I hope I really will learn to be unconditional with my whole life.

Happy Saturday,

~ m

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ. 2 Thessalonians 3:5

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4 thoughts on “Defining Unconditional

  1. Boy, I can see why you decided to do what you did…and it makes sense why you’re now battling anger, sadness, (and a few other things possibly as well) I am glad you posted this one….reminds me of the book of Ecclesiastes . I’ve been reading it the past month from the version The Message. I know you love to hike, and you love being a nurse, and you love the Lord who has taken both of our feet out of the miry clay… Here are some random thoughts in no particular order..do with them what you want…:-) Where do you see yourself in a year? In 5 years? How about your other family connections, besides the boys…are you close to any other family? Ever thought about putting roots closer to one of them? The boys are still young..no telling what might be going on in either one of their lives in 5 years… Praying for clarity and peace Michelle. Take care. DM

    • Thanks Doug. I don’t try to see where I’ll be in 5 years, that’s too far off. I try to just be focused on today and possibly this year. My current thought is to keep up travel nursing and purposefully taking 2 weeks off between contracts to go spend quality time with my family. This takes off the pressure of trying to find work near them. That is more stressful than anything else. Plus, I believe this allows me to be carried to the places the Lord wants me to go, at least while everyone in my family is stable. 🙂

      • I don’t typically think more than a few months out myself, the reason I asked about the longer time period was I was asked to do an exercise in a Christian counseling program back 30 plus years ago where we talked about goals…1 year/ 5 year/ 10 year/ end of life sort of thing. I’d never went there with my brain before…what it did was to help me identify and articulate for myself some core desires…..things I’d never even put into words….in your case, hiking the Appalachian trail. may be on your end of life..I really want to do this before I die sort of things..the year thing was just a way to break it down into manageable chunks…not to say, when you sit down a year later, the list may look completely different.. Like proverbs puts it..man makes his plans, and the Lord directs his steps. I have found (now) many time, that God does use things I am naturally drawn to as part of his plans for me. Heck if he hard wired them into us, only makes sense they may be a part of the plan. anyway, I hear you. Praying grace and clarity over your 2019. DM

      • This is a really good Doug. Six weeks ago, I signed up for online counseling in the hopes dad the counselor would be able to ask me hard questions to help me do better with interpersonal relationships. I just had to request a new counselor because the first counselor kept canceling appointments at the last minute. I’ve chosen online counseling because I hope to establish a therapeutic relationship that I can take with me as a traveler. It’s a perfect solution for traveling. When I requested the new counselor, I was very specific in requesting a Bible believing Christian counselor. I’m still hoping this counseling thing is going to help me let go of my past and have healthier relationships now. 🙂

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