I have so far to go to reach the generosity standard I’ve set for myself. It’s a good goal I may never attain, but I believe I should not give up trying to reach.
For example; I had my last call shift at work yesterday. I ended up having to stay for a few extra hours. I kept telling myself I was staying for the Lord as I actually got more and more frustrated, my brain going for the murderous thoughts it regularly seems to go to: He’s the worst charge nurse ever! Why is he doing it this way? He’s going to regret his decisions one of these days! Not one single generous thought in my head.
Oh wretch that I am. At one point, I was in the restroom grumbling to the Lord. Why are you trying to kill me Lord? Yes it was that dramatic.
When the day finally ended, I felt extra bad as I watched the man in charge break down because a patient was dying in room 12 and he was blaming himself. And I have to wonder, why does it take something bad happening to make my heart pour out generous? Particularly when it’s toward someone I don’t necessarily like? Where is my compassion for a co-worker when he’s just trying to get by like the rest of us?
The last thing I did before leaving for the day was console the charge nurse, telling him he did the best he could with the information he had, all the while being convicted by the very words coming out of my mouth. I am NOT God. I DON’T know all the things happening in any given moment. I don’t know the motivations of anyone, not even myself. In that last moment of a long day, I felt very small for my childish behavior. It was a Job moment. I sincerely hope I don’t forget it. But I’m also grateful that the Lord will. Because he is perfectly generous.
Sharing with Lyli.