transformed by renewing my mind_day 16

My younger called me at work to tell me exciting news. Since I was at work, I had to phone him later. In the meantime, I dreamed up his exciting news to be what I wanted. In my selfishness, I dreamed his exciting news would be he got a full time job. This led to the thrill of thinking I could have my finances all to myself again.

When I phoned him back to hear his exciting news, I was overwhelmingly unenthusiastic to learn he’s decided to try to get into the nursing program at his school. As soon as I realized my silence, I did my best to recover and express joy and excitement for his news. Because it is exciting for him. He’s such a good kid. I’m so happy he’s found something to pursue. And I know he will be a good nurse.

But instead of being unabashedly happy for him, my default was to think how this will affect my life. I am ashamed to tell you I told him what I was secretly hoping his news would be! Just when I think I can’t suck more as a person, I sink to a whole new low.

Not only am I sinning against him, I am sinning against God. This is my purpose right now, to support this kid while he gets an education.

Dear God how long am I going to get it wrong? How long am I going to be this awful selfish person? Forgive me! You gave me these amazing people to raise, to love, to support, and I love them so much. Yet I’m still more worried about me. I sit here and think I’m doing so much better with them, yet I’m doing things exactly the way I never wanted to do them. I have no excuse! Jesus I need you!

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

This is day 16 of #Write31Days.

All posts can be found here.

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5 thoughts on “transformed by renewing my mind_day 16

  1. I think selfishness is a human default, unfortunately. What I would say though, is that many people don’t even have the capacity to recognise it as such. Your second instinct is to regret it… That says so much about the kind of person you are. Not that you ‘suck as a human being’, but that you are striving to be better; that you’re reflective and thoughtful; that you have a huge heart.
    Your son obviously takes after you in that he wants to help others, to nurse. This is not an occupation for the faint hearted or the selfish…
    Be as gentle with yourself as you are with others.

    x

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