My younger called me at work to tell me exciting news. Since I was at work, I had to phone him later. In the meantime, I dreamed up his exciting news to be what I wanted. In my selfishness, I dreamed his exciting news would be he got a full time job. This led to the thrill of thinking I could have my finances all to myself again.
When I phoned him back to hear his exciting news, I was overwhelmingly unenthusiastic to learn he’s decided to try to get into the nursing program at his school. As soon as I realized my silence, I did my best to recover and express joy and excitement for his news. Because it is exciting for him. He’s such a good kid. I’m so happy he’s found something to pursue. And I know he will be a good nurse.
But instead of being unabashedly happy for him, my default was to think how this will affect my life. I am ashamed to tell you I told him what I was secretly hoping his news would be! Just when I think I can’t suck more as a person, I sink to a whole new low.
Not only am I sinning against him, I am sinning against God. This is my purpose right now, to support this kid while he gets an education.
Dear God how long am I going to get it wrong? How long am I going to be this awful selfish person? Forgive me! You gave me these amazing people to raise, to love, to support, and I love them so much. Yet I’m still more worried about me. I sit here and think I’m doing so much better with them, yet I’m doing things exactly the way I never wanted to do them. I have no excuse! Jesus I need you!
This is day 16 of #Write31Days.
All posts can be found here.