transformed by renewing my mind_day 13

I don’t know what I was expecting on 8/21 when I went to see a doctor about my anxiety, depression, mood swings. No. That’s not true. I do know what I was expecting. I was expecting a cure. I was expecting to never be anxious, depressed, or moody again.

As usual, my expectations have not been met the way I wanted them to be met.

I am better.

I am not freaking out at work when the normal daily stress of my job hits me hard in the face.

My moods are not shifting from one extreme to the other.

But I am still waking up some days feeling deep melancholy, discouragement, and joylessness.

And I wonder… What is normal?

And why am I so determined to fix this problem of deep sensitivity?

Am I not just looking for heaven in a little pink pill?

Oh God I need you. I keep trying to find a cure for the life you have given me. I keep turning to my own solutions, searching, searching for answers to the questions my brain can’t seem to stop asking. Please quiet my brain Lord. I think way too much. I’m looking at all the things going on in the world through the wrong filter. My filter is broken Lord. Please help me to focus on you. I need you Jesus. I love you Jesus.

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

This is day 13 of #Write31Days. Also sharing with Unite, Monday Musings, and Salt+Light.

All posts can be found here.

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9 thoughts on “transformed by renewing my mind_day 13

  1. Michelle, somehow as you are writing about your journey, you are so closely echoing my own thoughts and feelings.

    Oh God, I need you. I am praying Michelle’s words, too. For I am also a bit (a lot?) out-of-focus. Fix my eyes on You.

    GOD BLESS!

  2. I have taken medicine for years for emotional problems and my daughter takes medicine for bi-polar. We have discussed numerous times about when is it normal to get really upset, or to cry for no apparent reason, or to want to climb in a hole by ourselves. We both know that you can’t live on top of the world all of the time, but how can we tell if we are feeling “normal emotions” or if our meds are out of whack? We both have decided that as long as our down days or bad emotions are not happening constantly for days on end, then we are probably as “normal” as everyone else. I said all this to tell you that you will still have bad days, but you should have more good ones than bad ones. If you don’t, then you may want to discuss adjusting or changing the medication with your dr. Sometimes it takes several tries to get the right combination. Please remember that God loves us no matter how we feel emotionally. And I am still praying for you.

  3. Oh Michelle, I feel like I wrote these words… only in a secret place where no one could see them as I feel guilt in such feelings while professing and striving to live a life that would please Christ. Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you’ve found Salt & Light and share there regularly, otherwise I might never have “met” you.

    Hopefully I’ll be able to return to writing again soon… but for now I’m truly soaking up the words of others that are a step ahead of me in the confidence to write.

    Marissa
    http://raysofgraceandjoy.blogspot.com

    • Thank you Marissa. Sometimes I wonder why I put my stuff out there? It is really encouraging to know my words help others even when I don’t think they could. 🙂

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