thick and thin

On the day that I gave my life to Jesus, I sat in the back of the church with my friend, heart racing, body shaking.

I could actually hear the Lord calling to me in my right ear, come forward Michelle, I forgive you Michelle. But at the same time I could hear the enemy calling to me in my left ear, you really think God is going to take you back? Look at you! You’re a mess! You’re a murderer! You’re a terrible mother!

Every time I hear the enemy’s voice, it is filled with hatred. It sounds sarcastic, vitriolic, sinister.

It’s been almost 9 years since I met the Lord. Or rather, since the day he came and met me. True to his goodness, the Lord took me back just as I was, broken and messy.

I’ve been kidding myself for years that I’ve come so far since that day. After all, I stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped swearing like a sailor. I really thought being freed from those things was all I needed to be a brand-new person.

What I didn’t realize was those were the things I used to make myself feel better. When God took them away, he took away the things I was hiding behind.

If you really want to know how you are doing, just ask the people you love. But I warn you, you may not like what you hear.

It’s upsetting to find out that 9 years later, I’m still pretty broken and messy. I thought I was doing so much better than 9 years ago. But I confess, seeing myself through their eyes? I’m not so sure.

I think love is so hard for me to give out because I don’t love myself. And because I don’t love myself, I don’t trust that anybody else could love me. But the evidence doesn’t support my logic.

After all, I have a whole entire family who are still for me. Sure they’re the ones who tell me how miserable I can be, the truth of who I am. And while it hurts to hear the truth because the truth makes me dislike who I am, makes me think why would anybody love me, the nuts and bolts of it is they’re still here, despite my broken, messy life.

So when I sat here over the weekend wondering if there really was any hope for me to change, God reminded me of the fact I have people in my life who have stuck with me through thick and thin. Likewise, I have stuck with them through thick and thin. And though it is messy and far from perfect, it is real and there is hope for me yet.

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

Linking with the SDG Gathering,  Unforced RhythymsSalt+Light, and #TellHisStory.

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10 thoughts on “thick and thin

  1. Maybe, just maybe, (please read in a very tentative voice) God wants you to grow even further into the lived sense of his love for YOU before you go back to your wonderful work of sharing with others how much he loves them. And as you said, it is humbling and amazing to truly recognise how others actually do love us in all our messiness and grumpiness.

  2. There is always hope – always. It is one of the gifts of grace. Hope for this life, in that God is always working on us in His love. And hope for the future, for the eternity that His love bought for us.

    Thick and thin. I have a family that has stuck with me in the same way. And I’m grateful for that, indeed. But I am even more thankful for a God who doesn’t tally the thick and thin moments, for He only sees me with love-colored glasses.

    GOD BLESS!

  3. We will always be broken and messy. And I think most of us wish we could be better than what we are, but perhaps this is what keeps us perpetually in relationship with Jesus. On another note, I think often times the negative things we do get magnified while the positive get dismissed. So, perhaps, you have made more heart changes than you think or that anyone else has noticed.

  4. Michele, I have been a believer for over 40 years. That’s a long time. And Jesus is still working on many of the same broken things I brought to Him way back at the beginning. How He loves it when we fall towards him!
    YOur honesty is refreshing and I believe it blesses the Lord.
    Keep writing.

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