five minute friday_reach

For the first time in a long time, I feel as if sanity is finally within my reach.

Hi. My name is Michelle. I struggle with anxiety/depression/mood swings. I’m not entirely convinced I don’t struggle with some personality disorder that I won’t name because I am a new creation in Christ and those kind of labels make a person feel discouraged.

I have struggled with anxiety/depression/mood swings for as long as I can remember which is like 45+ years.

I have been treated off and on since my mid twenties, probably more off than on. Interesting that some of the best years of my life have been while I was receiving treatment, yet I always stopped.

I’ve been off for the last ten years. I gave up on it the last time because it just didn’t seem to work, never mind the fact I also happened to be getting drunk everyday for several years by then, alcohol canceling out any effect of said treatment.

Then I met Jesus. I was just so filled with joy that first year. It outweighed the darkness. But honestly, the darkness never went away, not completely. I just refused to look at it. I pushed it away, just out of reach.

As a new believer, I was convinced I was healed. God healed me of the alcohol addiction overnight. He must have healed me of the anxiety/depression/mood swings overnight too, right?

As time went on, there was less joy. The honeymoon joy of those first days transitioned to the deep, comfortable love of an old married couple, which frankly is even better. It signifies reaching a level of intimacy that brings deep trust, deep faith.

But without the adrenaline producing joy to gloss over the other things? It’s not that the joy is gone, it’s that the other things keep surfacing.

So counseling. So medical treatment. So optimism because I do believe the medicine is working. Joy is back in my reach. God is so good to have invented modern medicine!

His… Michelle

Every week, a bunch of bloggers get together to free write on a word prompt. We write for 5 minutes (some of us write for more than 5 minutes 😉), footloose, fancy free, no perfectionism required. Then we link up with Kate Motaung. Check us out! Visit a few writers and leave some comment love. It’s a great way to make new friends. 😊


12 thoughts on “five minute friday_reach

  1. Darkness and depression can sneak up on you like a bad bruise that you can’t quite remember how you got. So glad to hear you have found the right combination of Jesus and meds to help you find peace! 🙂

    Stopping by from FMF!

  2. Michelle, I love your honesty here and the way that you described the “honey moon” phase of your love relationship with God and then now your relationship. I have always lived with the fear of depression because it is deep within the DNA of one side of my family. I’ve always seen it and wanted to have no part of it. Its a common topic my sister and I talk about. I love the way you are owning it but not letting it own you. You realize what you can do to help yourself instead of clinging to it as a definition or refusing to realize that you need help. Thats such a tender balance. thank you for these words. I’m glad you are finding joy.

  3. Yea, it is never just one thing that heals and lasts forever. Even my faith in Christ needs rekindling every day. Thanks for sharing your writing, from a FMF friend.

  4. Michelle, this is raw and gritty and real and beautiful. You are healing people with your words. Are you on Instagram? Check out @brokenmadebeautiful. I would love to feature you. I am rejoicing in modern medicine with you! God is using your struggles to minister to others and you are saying YES so brilliantly! xo

  5. Michelle, how I love and appreciate your candidness here. This kind of courage is beautiful. I love, too, that joy is within your reach again; that you are reaching out and glimpses of healing are coming through counseling and medicine and a hopeful outlook. Maybe you’re right, that joy never disappears entirely, it just gets covered up by other things. And maybe it’s something we only taste every now and then, to remind us of heaven. Either way, I hope you get a good dose of it, friend.

  6. Thank you for writing real and true. Thank you for taking care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your story. We need more people to remind us that loving God does mean we are new creations and the past is gone, but it does not mean there is no pain, there are no scars, and that we have to pretend that all is always perfect. The real freedom is knowing that we can walk in the light of our true selves and find healing in that, not having to hide in the shadow of guilt, shame or depression. Keep walking free.

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