the inside of my brain

Recently, Kim, a blogging friend of mine asked why we live with painful stuff for far too long?

I know why I’ve lived with mine.

Most days, I cannot think about painful things for more than a few minutes, sometimes not even a few seconds, without my brain spiraling down a black hole of despair that threatens to swallow me alive like when the Israelites are swallowed alive for defying the Lord’s chosen, Moses and Aaron.

I know it sounds dramatic, but I’m not even exaggerating.

When I fall into the hole, if it’s a good day, I make my way back up to the surface in a few hours. On not so good days? I can find myself trapped for days, weeks, or even months mostly in the dark, occasionally surfacing for a few hours.

The triggers? They don’t even have to be my stuff. They could be from the news, a blog, a song, a commercial even!

I try so hard to keep the rose colored glasses on for protection, avoid sadness at all cost, my head safely buried in sand, but the world always breaks in. Always. There’s no avoiding the world. I’ve tried.

I show up for work feeling so painfully sad I can’t speak, if I did I know I would come undone, start crying and never be able to stop.

When my mood is good, I cope well with painful things. Unfortunately my mood goes up and down so often it rivals the most intricate and amazing roller coasters engineered.

I’ve been talking myself into being okay for most of my life, you don’t have to talk me into it too.

So when I meet a Christian who has never been depressed, ever and hear him/her say I just need more faith. That just makes me feel worse. I know I lack something, now you just added more to my lacking pile. AND. I just spent the last 8 years of my life thinking I would get better with a miraculous healing when the miracle of modern medicine has been staring me in the face.

I’m sorry. I know it sounds like I’m angry with you, I’m not. I’m not blaming you. A lot of people just don’t understand.

I just thought I should let you know what the inside of my brain looks like, to help you understand a little bit more, to provide a bit of insight, to remind you of what Paul says in Romans:

Romans 12:15
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

This is the heavy stuff I think about. [emphasis on heavy]

His… Michelle

Linking with Lyli.


12 thoughts on “the inside of my brain

  1. Michelle, just coming by and sharing a hug. I know what you mean. I fall into that hole sometimes, too, and it feels like you’re the only one in the world in it. I’m glad we can encourage each other on. I believe Jesus can walk us through this, even if it’s not going to be easy. And we’ll give ourselves lots of grace, too.

  2. Michelle, I so understand what you speak of. I have been in that hole, and sometimes it’s just so much more comfortable than coping that I choose to stay there. I also battle debilitating anxiety, and that paralyzes me, too. I am so tired of the people who don’t understand – the ones who tell me the most UNhelpful things like: “Just relax.” “Just pray about it.” “Don’t think about it, and it will go away.” First of all, as you so insightfully said, these sentiments just make me feel MORE inadequate, MORE of a failure, and MORE alone. As if I want to add “lousy Christian” to the names I already call myself.

    Job’s friends were not very helpful, and God later strongly reprimanded them for that. All I want is for someone to come alongside me, maybe give me a hug, and just say this, “I’m here. You’re not alone. I understand.”

    Praise the Lord, even when people don’t say those things to me, the Lord whispers them into my soul. HE is the source of all comfort.

    All this to say, Michelle, is that I also understand what you’re saying. You’re not alone. I’m here, and so is HE.


  3. Been in the hole also….but I am so thankful the Lord is an absolute rock, Who never wavers in His love for me, & somehow, that keeps me stable through everything….with nine children & two ex-husbands, there has been a lot of up & downs! Recently, I did some detailed reading about the holocaust, mostly because I felt I should remember, & grieve, & allow the sadness & horror into my life for such a tiny fraction of the time that so many suffered. Three nights in a row, I had “bad dreams”…people trying to kill me for two nights…one night was mourning for babies. I don’t regret any of that for a minute because somehow, as awful & unimaginable some things are, I know I can trust the Lord when He promises that EVERYTHING will somehow be made right in the end. He is the perfect judge, sorrow & tears are for a short time, compared to everlasting joy in eternity. I was a rather sad child, but the Lord has given me such joy, as an old lady now…it’s amazing! It’s because He truly is a Wonderful Savior. Love & prayers, in Jesus, Cynthia P.S. Praying for God to pour more joy into your heart, it’s a fruit of the Spirit & free for the asking!

  4. Micey,
    Quite awhile ago I read a quote from one of those early, early Christian writers, it was simply:
    “I am an end for no man”
    What it meant was: that for Christians, complete understanding and acceptance and comfort can only be found in God. When it comes those deep parts, those struggles, yes we need others, The Body is there as a gift to us, we get even more weird and judgmental when we pull away!, however we will never be fully understood, not even my our mates. Our culture puts a heavy emphasis on figuring it out and moving on. The modern Church puts a heavy emphasis on fixing problems and putting on a happy face. All of these have merit of course. For me, and my struggle with depression, most people, including my family do not understand. That is OK. For those who have the same struggle, same chemical disorder, same sin struggle, same family issues, how each of us walk it out, is going to be slightly different. We have to understand that Christ sees each of us. And walks with us. I have done and do medication. I have done professional counseling, the day may come when I will need more. I have drasitically changed my diet. I have prayed for it to go away, I have prayed for healing, God has spoken directly and powerfully that part of my depression/anger is a generational root sin. He has healed me and removed very real strongholds and yet made it clear to stay on the meds. Last month I was so depressed and desperate and God spoke to me: Keep praising Me anyway Leah, and to email two of my friends, being very honest, and then start eating more raw foods! Guess what? it was just what I needed. Next month, next year, it may a different small steps of faith or practical help. Does it make sense and fit into a nice ten step plan for a better you? Nope.But that is the point. The only thing consistent is Christ’s power. Be open Micey. Not to what Christians, bloggers, professionals, or your pastor say, but what The Holy Spirit whispers when you are at the bottom rung. And He will give you small steps that lead up, that are just for you, right now.
    Prayers and Cheers,

  5. I read this last night on my iphone – and, well, I’m just not co-ordinated enough to type a message there – but I wanted to tell you I know that flow and ebb – the days where I have the strength to diminish the effects of the challenge’s grip on my heart – and the days where all I can do is stand in the way of its on-slaught – until it ebbs away. I’ve learned to pray, “Be with me” because some things seem to have to work themselves out – and it’s like a battle raging around me – and all I can do is just stand in the midst of it because I am unable to move out of it! I wish I were stronger, more self-controlled, more water-off-a-ducks’ back, could just rise above the little foxes that want at this vine that is me – but I’m not. On those days, I make a cup of tea – or coffee- and when my mind strays, lock onto the scriptures at my desk and try not to take my eyes off the one standing right beside me – and it can be a 24/ battle! When you’re feeling like that, message me – and I’ll pray for you friend! I could use prayer like that right now for this season of challenge I’m in, too!

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