this is where the healing begins

Rejection came when I was very small. Too small to even know what it was.

The first time I remember rejection I was less than 8 years old. My parents had a huge fight. My dad threw my mom’s purse at her as he was kicking her out of the apartment. Then she was gone. Was she ever coming back?

And it began, the slow merging of reality with ideality.

It always began with a fight and ended with my mom running out the door, disappearing for hours, me searching high and low for her.

When I drive by that apartment complex now it is so small, just one city block. But then? It might as well have been the size of the entire planet.

I would search until I couldn’t search anymore, sobbing as I called for her, feeling completely defeated as I finally gave up. Then walking through the front door, finding her standing in the kitchen as if nothing ever happened, no concern for me, no hug, no comfort.

All my interactions with the world today have their foundation in this pattern of childhood rejection. This is the root. It has grown very very deep.

I’ve pulled the weeds of my life for 51 years. But now it’s time to get the root out. Once and for all.

I went to Atlanta this past weekend to visit a friend from the ship. We are friends because God threw us together as roommates at Gateway. We couldn’t be more different. She is a gift from God. She loves me for me, good, bad, ugly.

The theme of the weekend? Acceptance. Getting past rejection. Perseverance. Hope.

God followed me to Atlanta. He lavished me with gifts of friendship, fun touristy things, beautiful views, an aquarium filled with the largest creatures of His ocean, a giant stone mountain that survived the fiercest Civil War battles. He spoke to me in church. In Atlanta. Directly. I love you. I accept you. I created you to be exactly who you are. I knew you before the foundation of the world was laid. You matter. Your value is in me. You have a purpose. You are a miracle. I worshiped the Lord as tears of thankfulness streamed down my face.

Everything will be alright.

Philippians 1:20

Linking with Kelli and Jennifer.

9 thoughts on “this is where the healing begins

  1. Michelle, just wanted to say me too. But I still haven’t gotten the root out. I hope it comes out, but sometimes it seems so deep. God loves you. I’m so glad that message got through. I cling to it but I want to believe it someday.

    • Kim. I’m always in awe when God uses our broken places to minister to each other, and it’s a beautiful thing that Michelle’s story has done that for you. Let God’s amazing grace dissolve that root for you — because I have found it’s not about how hard I try to believe, but how clearly I decide to see his everyday examples of love. I pray you will experience him in new and unexpected ways, friend.

      • Thank you, Beth. He’s working on me everyday, and there are times when I think I know how much He loves me and others when I can’t believe that there are still wounds to heal. Thanks for your encouragement. I’m looking forward to reading your words as well.

    • Hey Kim! This trip down memory lane is no fun. It doesn’t help that when I take the trip I arrive at depression. But I’m working on that too. After 51 years I’m ready to break the cycle.

  2. Michelle: It is the holiest of gifts that you would share this with us, for I know how thin your skin must still feel after the many years of rejection. How thrilled I am to hear you found a place to rest with friends so God could catch up to you and whisper his beautiful truths to her spirit. For all those times you ran to find your mother, desperate for her to be with you, our Jesus pursues us with even more passion and love. Oh, how he loves, you, Michelle. And he’s using your life, your story, to show the transforming power of grace. Thank you for linking at Unforced Rhythms.

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