on love

I want you to know I am not alright. Lately, I am having a boat load of anxiety, melancholy, anger, and agitation.

The thing about this internet world is it’s so easy to project only the good stuff, to make people think you have this really cool, happy, fun life. Write on the days you feel good, skip the days you feel bad and pretend they didn’t even happen.

When I don’t write it’s because I can’t gather my thoughts and make coherent sentences because everything in my brain just feels like noise, static, a thousand people talking all at once in a restaurant, loud, noise.

And then I get all introspective. Introspective is a bad word for me. Focusing on me leads to trying to figure out what’s wrong with me which leads to the slow spiral down into the dark hole of depression, losing sight of everything bright and beautiful and good.

Sometimes it gets so bad other people notice. They ask if I’m okay. Instead of just being honest I try to act my way through it. I say yes because deep down I don’t believe they really care. Why should they care? I’m nobody special. Who wants to be friends with the girl who’s emotional being is so up and down?

If not for Jesus, I would be lost in a vast sea, drowning. He is my life ring, my anchor, strong tower, safety. He keeps telling me to love others no matter what.

But learning to love others is so countercultural for me. It is my biggest struggle. I have such a self protective wall of granite built up around my heart from years of feeling neglected, abused, invisible. I don’t know exactly the moment it happened, but I shut something off in my heart that would allow me to be brave enough to love others the way Jesus loves me. I want to love others but am so terrified of rejection I hold back. It’s a self defense mechanism that was cultivated by years of rejection.

But God is speaking to me through his word, through his people, showing me, teaching me to love others, to treat others the way I’d like to be treated even if I am rejected. This is so hard for me because I am so self centered.

I just thought you should know. I am a way better person in theory than in reality.

His… Michelle
Philippians1:20

Linking with Lyli for Thought Provoking Thursday.

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13 thoughts on “on love

  1. Michelle,

    I love reading what you write, on any day that you write it…. good or bad days. I think I love the way you are real and transparent and your love for Jesus shines through it all. You, dear one, are better off than you realize just in the very ability you have to speak with passion and truth.
    Praying for the sun to shine and brighten your day, for you to hear HIS heart toward you, for healing from the root of rejection and for that one open door to intentional blessing so you can receive joy. And to be fully transparent myself,I get where you are writing from, I understand your confession and like you I am often terrified of reaching out, but I am finding the intentionality of extending a hand of hope is the healing balm my heart needs to recover from the wounds life has inflicted.

    Bless you!
    Dawn

  2. You are so honest, and that is beautiful. I’ve tried to lock myself up in a safe place — away from the hurt. The thing is that God won’t leave me there. He keeps knocking on the door and wooing me back out. And He sends people — people with Jesus skin on. They are there — all around me full of joy and life and love. They bring me back to life every time.

  3. I so want to cook you dinner, sit long and talk much – and just give you a big hug! I’ve been behind those walls – and sometimes find myself trying to retrench there – but I never want to go back behind them. When I’m behind those walls, all I can see and feel is my inadequacy – the rejection, how the world sees me broken and not enough – but when I come out behind that wall that I admit I built for self-preservation long, long ago – before I was far enough away from it to see it as the abusive prison it was – and step by step learned how to free-fall into God’s will for my life – I found peace with myself. It doesn’t always top the hurt from those in the world that want to see me broken and not enough – but it keeps me focused on God and how He sees me. I think a great writing prompt would be to write 1) how the world sees us and 2) how God sees us.

    I find that there’s a flow and ebb to what and when I write – the struggle and then the overcoming – and the faith in it all. One is about walking in faith – and the other is about the fruit of faith – it’s like the ocean.

    I don’t know what people see when they come to my blog – sometimes it’s the battle – and sometimes the the rejoicing in an overcoming – but I think they are all battle cries and thank yous 🙂

    I think God created you an open-handed, warrior-spirited, big-hearted person willing to take the pulse of a imperfect child of God in you who wants real-God in a broken world. I think these boys to men in my house would be blessed to have you sit around our table, sharing your story! I am blessed reading it!

    Maryleigh

    • Thank you Maryleigh. It means a lot to me knowing you’d cook me dinner. Particularly because I really hate cooking and I think we could be friends IRL.

  4. makes sense to me. (granite walls of self protection @ this point in your story because of previous dealings that left some deep wounds) I too have a wall(s) and have decided to let the Lord thaw out/ break down and enable me to love with his Love. It’s just too complicated, and impossible for me to figure it out in my own strength @ this point. thanks for keeping it real, and there is nothing you could say @ this point that would shock me… I joke w/ my wife sometimes when she takes a risk and shares some really off the wall stuff she may be wrestling with…yep, me too I will tell her…sounds like you are normal, I tell her…really? she’ll say..how do you know other people wrestle with this stuff.. Two reasons..#1 I do on occasion, and #2 I am a pretty transparent person and over the years have had lots of indepth conversations with others who have also trusted me enough to share there deeper struggles..so to you also I would say.. Bless you for sharing! later- DM

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