I want you to know I am not alright. Lately, I am having a boat load of anxiety, melancholy, anger, and agitation.
The thing about this internet world is it’s so easy to project only the good stuff, to make people think you have this really cool, happy, fun life. Write on the days you feel good, skip the days you feel bad and pretend they didn’t even happen.
When I don’t write it’s because I can’t gather my thoughts and make coherent sentences because everything in my brain just feels like noise, static, a thousand people talking all at once in a restaurant, loud, noise.
And then I get all introspective. Introspective is a bad word for me. Focusing on me leads to trying to figure out what’s wrong with me which leads to the slow spiral down into the dark hole of depression, losing sight of everything bright and beautiful and good.
Sometimes it gets so bad other people notice. They ask if I’m okay. Instead of just being honest I try to act my way through it. I say yes because deep down I don’t believe they really care. Why should they care? I’m nobody special. Who wants to be friends with the girl who’s emotional being is so up and down?
If not for Jesus, I would be lost in a vast sea, drowning. He is my life ring, my anchor, strong tower, safety. He keeps telling me to love others no matter what.
But learning to love others is so countercultural for me. It is my biggest struggle. I have such a self protective wall of granite built up around my heart from years of feeling neglected, abused, invisible. I don’t know exactly the moment it happened, but I shut something off in my heart that would allow me to be brave enough to love others the way Jesus loves me. I want to love others but am so terrified of rejection I hold back. It’s a self defense mechanism that was cultivated by years of rejection.
But God is speaking to me through his word, through his people, showing me, teaching me to love others, to treat others the way I’d like to be treated even if I am rejected. This is so hard for me because I am so self centered.
I just thought you should know. I am a way better person in theory than in reality.
Linking with Lyli for Thought Provoking Thursday.