Fractured

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I’m having a shell shocking week. My whole routine has been turned upside down. Again.

It’s funny to me how it all happens. You’re moving along, minding your own business, things calm, routine, peaceful.

Next thing you know the family’s in town, you’re road tripping for an overnight visit to your little kid, staying in a motel with 4 people you’re not used to being in close contact with anymore, finding out the church you got saved in has come undone because your favorite teacher/pastor has resigned for moral failing, your big kid has had two very close friends pass away within days of each other, hosting the visiting family who aren’t believers, no time for cycling, no time for any semblance of routine, not allowed to be yourself because your mother just doesn’t understand who you are…

I feel fractured. Pulled in about five different directions.

One arm trying to wrap around the kid who’s friends are dead, none of whom know Jesus as far as I can tell, without making him feel worse than he already feels, but what can I say? There are no words for the ones who don’t know Jesus other than God is sovereign and I trust Him. He knows who belongs to Him even when we don’t.

Another arm is wrapped around the little kid who thinks because I pushed him to grow up and be responsible, I meant I was cutting him off and would never be supportive to him again, which is, of course, not what I meant at all! He’s the main reason the Lord brought me home from Africa.

Then I have this great dysfunctional family I barely have anything in common with anymore but the shared past and it breaks my heart because I desperately want them to know Jesus and my words just seem to keep falling on deaf ears and again I have to trust God because only He knows their end.

And finally, what of my church? I confess I feel I am too cynical to call myself a Christian. I’ve been telling close friends for years I’m too mean for church, too judgmental, too critical. And I wonder. Has God just given me this incredible gift of discernment that helps me guard my heart? I’ve always been very introspective. I’m a thinker. I’m an analyzer. When I heard this sad news about the pastor, I wasn’t terribly shocked. I wasn’t stricken with terrific sadness. I don’t think I feel much of anything at all except sadness for his choice and all he and his family must suffer through now.

My pastor is a great teacher. He makes scripture come alive. He’s a charismatic leader. But somewhere over the last 8 years, he stopped listening to the Holy Spirit. And now he must face the music.

And now I must seriously examine my own heart because it could happen to me. It could happen to you. If you think you are safe from this sort of thing, be careful. Sin is standing at your front door and it wants to control you.

The biggest thing I’ve learned over the last 8+ years is the only One who is completely trustworthy is Jesus Christ. God. He never changes. He never leaves. He never forgets. He is the only reason I am alive. He is the only reason I will have the strength to carry on through this upside down week. He is the only One who can put me back together, keep me from losing my mind. Thank God He is the same. Yesterday, today, and forever.

This is what I’m thinking about.

His… Michelle
Philippians1:20

Linking up with Lyli @3dlessons4life

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8 thoughts on “Fractured

  1. If we don’t exerpience failure – we don’t know the way to the mercy seat – and then how can we show others the way? – and the one who doesn’t see the love you have, who lashes out – the lash out because they have to let it all out somwhere safe – and it’s because he loves you he does. One day – he will see and he will cry and tell you he is sorry – and you will feel the beating wings of that prayer sent out come home! You were in the center of that storm – because He needed you there to pull everyone in. It doesn’t have to be graceful – He brings the grace. Praying for you friend – Some days I am still there. He knows we won’t run out!
    ~Maryleigh

  2. Lots of heavy duty stuff coming @ you all @ the same time..when those we respect stumble and fall, it can feel like the ground under our feet is shaking…like a spiritual sifting and earthquake. I’ve experienced that once or twice…feels like someone punched me in the gut. You are so normal and from what you’ve just described, it makes perfect sense to me why you feel the way you do. no trite platitudes coming from this fellow cynical, judgmental, brother who (me) who refuses to let the darkness of my life define who I am. thanks for keeping it real! 😉 DM

    • It’s definitely been a week of some sort Dolly. The family goes home tomorrow. Order will be restored soon enough. The sun continues to rise. Thanks for your encouragement!

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