out with the old, in with ?

The end of another year. It’s been one of the best years of my life. I made so many friends, traveled to so many places, learned so many things. It was definitely a mountain top year.

Now I make my confession. Apparently, I’m more of a thrill seeker than I ever thought because the coming year looks bleak to me. This leaves me with an awful feeling in my soul that my life isn’t enough, that the people I love aren’t enough, that God isn’t enough. I’ve been plunged back into the valley of obscurity, anonymity, invisibility. I became addicted to something that wasn’t meant to be an addiction.

I had a conversation with God on my bike ride this morning. He told me again to take a sabbatical, to love the ones in front of me, to get healthy, to sit at his feet. And in my childish petulance I stomp my feet and cry not fair, not good enough.

I can’t even look at the stuff I wrote this year. It just makes me sad. I need to let it go. I need to lay my plans and dreams at the foot of the cross once again. As challenging as the last year has been, I need to accept the bigger challenge of the year ahead, trusting God is enough. I want him to be enough. I want his light to shine through me no matter the circumstance.

God forgive me for being so selfish. I love the life you’ve given me. I love the friends and family you’ve given me. Forgive me for thinking what I have isn’t enough. It’s everything good and beautiful. I am blessed more than I deserve. Forgive me for hanging on to things that aren’t mine anymore. Please help me to be the person you want me to be. Please teach me to be content in every circumstance.

His… Michelle


2 thoughts on “out with the old, in with ?

  1. Hummm, different heart issues but I can relate. Few years ago when “I” was planting a house church, I was convicted my motives were mixed. It wasn’t the thrill seeking motive that you have confessed to, but it was just as full of “self”. Broke me of that impulse (almost) entirely….there is a little part of me that is probably still copping an attitude 4 years later, but I’m at a much better, quieter place in my soul. As long as you keep doing what you’re obviously doing…being honest with him like in this post, you’re on the right track. Keep blogging and keep being real. DM

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