Since nobody out there seems to have any questions, I thought of one for you.
What is The Lord showing you through living in a community? Great question!
If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been pretty down these last 4 weeks, feeling sorry for myself, irritated, angry, bitter even. What’s gotten into me? I’ve really been asking God what the heck is wrong?
I believe it all boils down to one thing. Unforgiveness. Yup. I said it. I confess it. It seems I don’t know how to forgive people for anything anymore. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.
Something happened on the way to Africa. I went from forgiving to unforgiving. Maybe I allowed myself to get so caught up in the cares of the world, I lost my way and got off course?
All I know is I’ve been depressed. Somebody said depression is really anger turned inward. I’d have to agree completely. I’ve been stuffing things down instead of dealing with them. Absorbing little offenses instead of forgiving and letting them go. Even carrying anger around for the offenses my friends have suffered that have nothing to do with me just because they shared with me.
Oh I’m good at being angry. I spent most of my adult life angry. Angry at my ex for abusing me. Angry at people for never understanding me. Angry at the government for doing a lousy job. Angry. Angry. Angry. Negative. Cynical.
But I don’t like this angry micey. She’s miserable to be around. She turns inward. She walls herself off in an attempt at self preservation. She shuts out the world.
Before Africa, before Mercy Ships, I had made real progress in forgiving and letting go of offenses. You could hurt my feelings and not even know it and I’d be like just forgive them, they don’t even know what they’re doing. But those were the people of the secular world, the ones who don’t know Jesus.
I guess being surrounded by people who know Jesus has raised my expectations. I guess I thought the Jesus lovers would just not offend me. I guess I was wrong.
I’m relieved to finally know what’s really been causing me so much pain. I’m disappointed to say it’s me. Again. I am my own worst enemy. Always have been.
I’m so grateful to know God does love me for me. I really don’t know who else could love me? Like I said yesterday, I’m a tough nut to crack.
I hope the wall around my heart starts to come down again now that I know what I have to do.
I’m so blessed. Jesus keeps saving me from me. Infinite forgiveness. Sins thrown into the depths of the ocean never to be brought up again. Now if I could just get this to stick in my stubborn heart.