Confessions Of An Approval Seeker

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Day 2 of surgery is finished. We did 1 hemimandibulectomy to remove ameloblastoma and 1 excision of a lipoma. I was in a room today. It’s really good to be getting back into the normal routine around here. I feel productive again. I’m in my element. I feel like I’m in control again, as far as I can control anything in the first place. I’m feeling relieved.

Last week was too much. It was over the top exciting. We had our big screening day. We had Don and Deyon Stephens onboard (founders). We had Fox News The Five’s Dana Perino onboard. All week, I felt like I wasn’t cool enough. I kept walking around thinking I’ll never be cool enough to be a Mercy Ships rockstar. Then I would berate myself for being such an immature baby. Rockstar? Really?

Some little piece of my sanity cracked under all the excitement. Reality took on a quality I cannot handle. I mean seriously? We spent a whole day watching people with heartbreaking conditions stand patiently for hours upon hours just to be seen, some for only a few minutes, walk away with dignity. And what happens? A day later I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m not cool enough? Gah!

This is a real and present problem I’ve struggled with all my life. How do I measure it? By obsessively checking to see how many people read my blog. Why? Because somehow I decided if I have a lot of blog traffic it must mean people like me. Some disconnect right?

What’s a girl to do? Chock it up to temporary insanity, resolve to not look at the stats page on the blog for at least a full month at a time, and repent and ask the Lord for forgiveness for insulting him by wishing I was someone other than who he created me to be. He created me for a purpose (which clearly does not include rockstar,I’m sure, for a very good reason). To wish I was someone other than me is an insult to him.

As always, thanks for listening. Thanks for all your love, support, and prayers. I need all the prayers I can get. I’ve got issues. Like the songwriter says, I’m not the man I want to be, but I’m better than I used to be. 🙂

His… Michelle
Philippians 1:20

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6 thoughts on “Confessions Of An Approval Seeker

  1. You are already the Rockstar you desire to be. When God created you He broke the mold and said you were perfect–mind, body, spirit, soul, perfect. Nothing missing and nothing broken–Rockstar!!

  2. I think every blogger struggles with that once in a while. Taking a break is a great idea! It will help you focus on sharing what’s on your heart and not worry about the feedback you will or will not get.

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