the battle between reality and imagination…

I’ve been really struggling to go to church lately. This has been going on for weeks. I told one of my friends a few weeks ago I am just too mean for church. The greeters are killing me. I get to church and just cringe when I see the greeters with their big smiles waiting to greet me. Why? I literally do everything I can to get around the greeters and sneak into the sanctuary. What’s up with that?

I’m also struggling with the moment when they ask me to greet my neighbor. I just don’t know or understand what’s going on? Truth be told, this has been going on sporadically since the day I became a Christian. But lately, it seems out of control. I’m fine all week long, but when it comes time to get in church, I have to drag myself there. Watch it online? No problem. Show up in the building? Big battle.

I cried through the whole worship today because I felt terrible. I’m surrounded by all these shiny, happy people and I’m angry? I don’t want to be like this. I feel like it’s that old Michelle rising up in me and I don’t know how to beat her into submission. I’m not that person anymore, but lately, she’s trying to rise up.

After the service, I went up for prayer. It’s got to be a spiritual battle. It’s got to be the lies and schemes of the devil. But why do I forget this so easily? I just can’t seem to figure it out. Please pray for me to take my thoughts captive. I need to take my thoughts captive. The enemy has lost the war. I can’t let him win the battle. He’s defeated in Jesus’ name!

His… Michelle

can we ever really change?

^{1 John 4:20} If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? ²¹ And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.

There is just stuff about my personality that is fundamentally wrong. I think it must be from years of not knowing God and following Him. But how can it ever possibly change? I carry such bad feelings inside my heart. I don’t want to be snarky or sarcastic or cynical anymore. How can that go away? I can’t make it go away. If God doesn’t take it away from me, I’m afraid it will never go away. My friends tell me I’ve grown a lot and come a long way since they met me, but have I really? Or am I just putting on a good show for them?

Search my heart God! Find those things in me that need to be dealt with and destroyed. I don’t want to look at people I don’t like with contempt anymore. I want to look at them and be filled with compassion. How can I have the gift of mercy for some and not for all? How can I say I know you and love you and look at a man or woman with disgust? I am deceived. I say I have the love of the Father, but I still look at people with contempt and anger. Oh God, don’t let me stay this way! Teach me how to love the way you love. Break my heart with the things that break your heart. Please don’t let me ignore the marginal anymore. I used to see them and be filled with compassion. What’s happened to my heart?

His… Michelle

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One who has been touched by grace will no longer look on those who stray as “those evil people” or “those poor people who need our help.” Nor must we search for signs of “loveworthiness.” Grace teaches us that God loves because of who God is, not because of who we are.

~ Philip Yancey, What’s So Amazing About Grace?

Grace changes everything, doesn’t it? I confess, when I became a Christian 4+ years ago, I initially had an us versus them mentality. I had joined the good guys while everyone else was with the bad guys. But Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself. And who is your neighbor? EVERYONE! It’s not us versus them. Thankfully, it didn’t take too long for me to realize this fact.

God loves His creation. The scripture reads For God so loved the world, not for God so loved the really good, cool people. I prayed for God to give me His eyes to see the people around me. I don’t want to see the bad things in people. I want to see them for who they could be, children of God.

I started a new job last week in Daytona Beach Florida. It’s a thirteen week travel contract. The OR needed extra help for the big bike week festivities. I thought the people at my last job were a tough crowd, but this OR is an even tougher crowd. There are many miserable people at this new place. So many people don’t know the Lord here. They have no peace. I could look on them with a holier than thou attitude, keep my distance, thank God I am not like them (ehem… like the pharisee in the temple). Instead, I want to love them, help them, encourage them, pray for them, shine the light of Christ for them, praise God to them.

This may be a challenging place to be, but I have faith God will bring opportunities to plant seeds here. I have faith someday I will meet some of these in heaven. I have faith God might use me to affect change for even just one person while I’m here.

I don’t have the us versus them mentality anymore. Us versus them keeps us way too separated from the world. Jesus didn’t pray for us to be taken out of the world. He wanted us to be different from the world, not out of the world. I want to be like Him. I want to go search for the lost sheep. It’s what He did for me. I want everyone I meet to know that kind of love. I want to love people like God does. I want to love them because of who God is, not who they are. Unconditionally.

His… Michelle

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