And so it begins. The wrestle. Every work day I wake up, open my eyes, stare at the clock on the microwave. 5am. Do I ride today? Do I keep laying in bed? I wish I could lay in bed, but riding wins today. Riding is good for me. Because of riding I lost a bunch of weight I needed to lose. It gets my brain going.
The wrestle doesn’t stop there though. It continues as I tell the Lord I don’t want to go to work today. I’m tired of this call to nurse. I’m tired of the bad hours. I’m tired of the pop music I know I’m going to hear for hours in nearly every room I walk into today. I’m tired of the small talk. I’m tired of the rushing. I’m tired of the J O B. But when I’m done writing this post, I’ll jump in the shower, get ready and go.
I wish I had a fun job. I told a co-worker I’m not afraid to be homeless. I’ll camp out for the rest of my life if I have to. I lived in Africa for a year. I am not afraid to be homeless. Please God. Let me be something else. Give me something else to do for you.
But God keeps waking me up. Get up Michelle. Get up Michelle. Go to work Michelle. I’ll go with you but you have to go.
The wrestle has been going on for years. Thirty years to be exact. I’ve cried so many tears of fear, anger, and sadness at this thing called nursing, my bottle must be enormous! I cried every single day for the first 5 years I worked in surgery. Yes. You read that correctly. Every. Single. Day. For 5 years.
So Why do I keep going back? Because somewhere deep deep down in my soul I know I’m not finished. You know? Just like when I told my favorite #1 son we should move to Arizona and deep deep down in my soul I knew it was good and I have this amazing sense of peace.
So today the Lord wins again. But I’m stubborn like Jacob. I’m gonna keep the wrestle going until I win. It’s just a matter of time.
Happy week!
Thankful to join Monday Musings, Small Wonder, Unite, SDG Gathering, Tell Me A True Story, Tuesday at Ten
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Wrestling! We all do it, don’t we? Thanks for sharing your struggles. I’m visiting from Monday Musings.
So get the wrestle Micey.
I get so mad that we have to wrestle…what about all those verses on peace, right?
But then, just like Jacob, our eyes are really, really opened for a few moments and we exclaim:
“God was here the whole time and I didn’t even know it!”.
Cheers,
Leah
Yes! Love when I can see him clearly.
This may be my favorite thing you have ever written. I’ve always loved that wrestling story… I guess because Jacob walks with a limp after, and I think that makes limps cool. 🙂
It’s good to know that I am not the only one on the wrestling mat. Hugs
Aw. Thanks Lyli. 😊
Michelle, there’s gotta be a reason for the wrestle. Good job getting up every day and facing it. Good job getting up and turning towards Him. Sometimes that’s all we have….falling forward.
Oh yes… I know this wrestle! I have a friend who has been in a job that he has been thankful for and at the same time, begged to leave for over 20 years too… we just have to trust that God really does know best and that He has a plan that we cannot see!
Yup. There’s no other way around it. Thanks Karrilee.
Michelle…Psalm 56, verse 8 says, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle.” So, yes, God keeps each and every tear you have and will cry. We don’t ever have to question whether He does. It should comfort us that we don’t cry in vain. Thank you for being a witness of trust in God’s plan and willing heart to stick to His calling for you. You must be a blessing to those you work with and tend to. Thank you for sharing at Monday’s Musings. 🙂
Thanks Naomi. I don’t know if my co-workers would agree with the blessing bit. 😉
Michelle, I so admire those who wrestle in a job & remain faithful to do it. Simply because the Lord has not yet released them to do otherwise. May He one day pull back the veil & show you all the good you have done & the lives you have touched because you obeyed & went. Blessings!
Thank you Joanne.
I don’t know about you, but there’s something about the wrestling that brings us closer to the Lord. It’s like we’re unwilling to settle for casual acquaintance. We want to KNOW Him, even if it means we’re *combatants* at times. Remember Jacob. In the end, he refused to let go of God – and God blessed Him mightily.
And for the record, I think what you do is way more than a job. It’s a calling. And I so admire your self-sacrifice…EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
GOD BLESS!
Thank you Sharon.
Oh friend, my heart leaps strong with you on this one! The knowing, “there is more” but still the faithfulness to do the one things God calls us to today! I love how God honors our faithfulness and that doing small things with great love is Mother Theresa’s definition of following God. What a joy and honor it was to read this at UNITE!
Thank you Jen.
Remember you are on a mission. A nurse can pray (in her heart) while taking care of patients. As they see your joyful face they may ask you questions. Then you can share with them. Open doors are all around you, just look for them. No time to wrestle with God – Just say, “I give up and not my will but yours be done.” Thanks for sharing with us here at Tell me a Story.
There are struggles – then there is that wrestling we do with God…30 years a nurse?! Thank you for sharing your struggles and wrestling – and thank you for what you do…the world needs nurses who are there for their patients – even though at times – maybe MANY times – they (you) feel you don’t want to do it anymore…I can {almost} imagine how you feel!
Thanks Barbara.
Wow…it makes me wonder what God is going to do through you as a nurse. And I bet you are exceptional at it, even though you are tired. I’m praying for a newness for you, a space where you can find joy, in nursing and outside of it. Love this!!
Thank you Jennifer.