April 29, 2011

what are you thinking?

By micey

Stuff I think about:

I was really wrestling with the idea of lying about being sick for work today. I’m so glad my spirit won over my flesh. Sadly, God did have to step in and schedule more heart surgery today to make sure my good sense would take over. I’m so glad He did though. I know how bad I would have felt if I had given into my flesh. I also know I am mature enough to really know better and stop making excuses for willfully doing the wrong thing. How long will it be before I finally start getting things more right than wrong?

I’m giving up my dream again. I’m giving it to God because I can’t be trusted with such amazing things. Did God see how badly I screwed up this time? Of course He did. Why am I so thick headed and dense? Why did I tell them I would come back when everything in me was screaming no? Why did I take the stupid job in Daytona when everything in me was screaming no? What is up with that? What is going on in my brain? Am I willfully trying to control my life? Or is that I have such a fear of God not being there to guide me that I have to try to do things myself? Or is it that I’m uncomfortable with not knowing what the future holds ao I can be prepared? Why can’t I just get up in the morning and say, oh, today is Friday. I can’t wait to see how the day unfolds? I’m always looking to the next day and the day after that, checking the OR schedule to see what comes 7 days from now when everything can change in a minute. What is that? Am I worrying all the time and fooling myself that I’m not? How can this ever change in me? Why do I keep repeating the same patterns over and over? When will I finally learn to trust the Lord completely and follow Him closely?

Ten things I am thanking God for today:

221. Lysa
222. Karla
223. heart surgery
224. winning the battle against my flesh
225. saving me from me
226. finding out how bad caffeine is for my mind
227. the desire to change
228. You love me even when I mess up
229. I feel really good right now
230. DRC

His… Michelle

This entry was posted on Friday, April 29th, 2011 at 8:10 am and tagged with , , , , and posted in Faith, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

20 Responses to “what are you thinking?”

  • Patti Hanan
    April 29th, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Learning to be completly dependent on God is a life long process. The more we follow his leading, the more we find he is faithful. Thank you for sharing this thoughtful post. God bless you :)

  • Charlotte
    April 29th, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    I think it is a life-long struggle, micey. My advice to you is never never never give up. We never know what God has in store for us just around the corner and when we discover it, we will be filled with awe, God knows your heart. You have been and continue to be a blessing to so many people. I’m praying for you dear friend.
    Charlotte

  • peggy aplSEEDS
    April 30th, 2011 at 3:44 am

    indeed, learning to trust God is the story of the bible, it is our story too. fortunately, God is ever patient, more than we are with ourselves.
    blessings,
    peggy aplSEEDS

  • MTJ
    April 30th, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Hi Michelle,

    I agree with Patti, “Learning to be completly dependent on God is a life long process.” Each day we pray asking for grace, direction, and strength; and our Heavenly Father freely gives these to us.

    The scriptures reveal that there is an internal struggle within us between flesh and spirit; this struggle will last until I take my very last breath. I can learn to discipline my body, but there will always be this nature which desires to rebel against God.

    That you so honestly speak to these issues which trouble you indicates your genuine desire to serve and please God with your life. Just continue trusting Him, even when you fail. Remembering you in my prayers.

    Blessings and peace.

    MTJ

  • Debbie
    May 1st, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Powerful post! Powerful because it speaks directly to my crummy heart. I love how it was just question after question. Boy could I relate. I’m so glad that His mercies are new every morning! Why do I need them again that fast? Can’t I just make it 2 days in a row?

    Blessings, Debbie

  • Ginger
    May 1st, 2011 at 8:26 am

    I think that it’s natural to want to try to take control of our own life’s instead of giving it to the Lord.I know with experience that my life had been blessed when I new that I fully gave it to the Lord, when I gave him all my financial worries, I slept at night and bills were paid, and I had left over money to help others. God is there for you and you know that more than most people so let him prove it to you like he has in the past.
    Your in my prayers always,
    Ginger

  • Marydon
    May 1st, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Always trust that there is a reason for everything, He knows better than we … we just need to listen.

    In Him,
    TTFN ~
    Marydon

  • Pamela
    May 1st, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    It’s so hard to give up control. Sometimes I think I’ve learned to give up control only to have to learn the lesson again. Keep working on it…We serve a patient, loving God.

    Pamela

  • Angie @ www.ourjoyfulliving.com
    May 1st, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    You have a nice blog
    come over for a visit
    http://www.ourjofulliving.com

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    May 4th, 2011 at 9:31 am

    [...] gives us an admirably honest insight into what she is thinking and feeling in what are you thinking? posted at finding God’s [...]

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